DEALING WITH THE EX FILES

A friend paid me a visit the other day and during our discussion, she asked me if it was advisable to tell her fiancé about her ex. At that moment, I had no specific answer because I have not thought about it so I quickly told her that it depended on what she wanted to tell her fiancé about her ex. After she left I really thought about it. Why do we talk about our ex in a new relationship? Why are we so eager to talk about the past? Is it for security reasons or pity?
When it comes to a relationship, many things could go wrong with just those two letters, ‘ex’. While the intention might be to clear your closet, it might as well inflict mistrust on you by your spouse. We all have our mistakes and sins we have committed in the past. As much as we want the other party to see us in a new perspective, he or she may be force to recall your past deeds when you act in a similar way. Our ex should be our ex, and nothing more. There are some mistakes we all make when it comes to the ex files. They might seem common but they have caused more harm than good. Some of them include:
Telling your spouse about your ex: Is it necessary to tell your spouse about your ex? The answer to this question requires one to be diplomatic. Firstly, you must ask yourself why you want to tell him or her about your ex. Is it to clear your conscience or to leave a good impression on him or her? Is it an act of sincerity or is it just a formality? Secondly, you should be able to determine what angle of your ex you want your spouse to know about. Are you going to tell him or her about how your ex broke your heart, or how he cheated on you, or maybe the kind of attitude expressed in the relationship? You should not also neglect your own role in the relationship, because many of us are more eager to be the piteous one, seeking for sympathy, whereas we might be the cause of the breakup. If you have to be truthful, you should tell the truth to the very last bit. However, if he or she does not ask about it or probably stops you before you began, you should accept it in good faith. He/she is probably not interested. Nevertheless, if you think there are some important things your spouse should know about your ex that had influenced your way of life, please call it to his/her attention. It is better for your spouse to know earlier than never.
Inviting you ex to your love nest: I have seen many couples invite their ex to their love nest and I wonder what picture they are trying to paint. If your ex is your ex, then there is no need to go the extra mile by inviting him or her to be part of your new life. I am not saying you should make him your enemy or probably refuse to invite him or her for a meal when he is dying of hunger. No! The angle I am pointing at is when it becomes more than a monthly visit. You may think that you are building a friendship zone but you are actually mounting a war zone. Here are some questions you should ask yourself before you make such decisions:
How convinced are you that your ex is over you as much as you claim you are over him or her? How comfortable is your spouse over his or her regular visits? Is he receiving him or her with his arms wide open or with a poker face? Fine, there are exes who have turned out to be best friends but at least they were able to draw the lines. You do not get to the top of the mountain by standing at the base. You must climb the mountain! Have you been able to clarify his purpose of visits? Is he just checking up on you, or is he having a secret agenda up his sleeve? Is he happy for your new love or is he planning to rip you and your love apart? You might have a good intention but you cannot say the same for your ex. He or she might be holding some unexpressed feelings about you; it could be either love or hatred. Whichever, it spells out danger! So be very prudent about this before you venture into such rash decision.
Communicating more with your ex than your spouse: There is nothing more hurtful to a man or a woman than to realize that his or her spouse spends more time communicating with his or her ex than with him or her. The greatest mistake one can make is to make his or her love life an open book for his or her ex. To share intimate issues about your love life with your ex is like giving him or her a knife to kill you. The only reason acceptable for such acts is if the current relationship poses a threat to you. However, when this is not the case, then the act should not be encouraged, as it will lead to mistrust. Your spouse might end up feeling insecure about the relationship. He/she will have no choice than to believe that you still harbour feelings for your ex, and you feel more comfortable with your ex than you do with him or her. The most common mistake committed in a relationship is our inability to define the kind of relationship we keep with our ex after the breakup. One advice, if you still have feelings for your ex, do not venture into another relationship. If the possibility of reconciling with your ex is still high, then reconcile. It is of no use being with another man when your heart still long for your ex touch or kiss. If the reverse is the case then try to limit how much time you spend with him or her as well as avoiding the number of times you mention your ex name during conversations. This will only betray your hidden feelings.
Lastly, do not ever set up a meeting between your spouse and your ex. It makes absolutely no sense! Some people might perform this action as a way of sending their ex a message, while the ex might likewise be sending your spouse a message that might end up breaking your relationship. Never you make your ex approval your basis of dating your spouse. As much as you think he should be able to evaluate your spouse before you start a relationship with him or her, it is a very wrong step to take. You will end up making your spouse trying to live up to your ex shoes, which is very detrimental to the relationship.
Like I pointed earlier, the past should be your past and should not have a foothold in the present, unless the future will never be bright. If there is no need of discussing your ex with your spouse, take my advice; keep your mouth shut.